Talking about money with the person you love sounds harmless, doesn’t it? You imagine a calm conversation about bills, savings, and future plans, but what really happens is that your childhood, your fears, and your insecurities show up uninvited. That is exactly what happened in my marriage.
My partner and I love each other deeply, but our financial personalities could not be more different. He was raised by a single mother who stretched every rupee to provide the best education for both her kids. Planning, discipline, and delayed gratification were not optional for him. They were essential for survival. Even today, every financial decision he makes is intentional and planned out. Numbers and structure make him feel secure, and achieving financial security is one of his primary motivations in life.
As for me, I grew up in a middle-class home where I didn’t have to learn financial planning. Right until both my sisters and I graduated from college, my parents took care of all our expenses. Being weak in mathematics, I never took an interest in learning how to manage money. Because I was afraid of the power of money and unhappy about living within a budget, I sometimes wished we were rich. I still do.
As a result, while I am not someone who books a vacation without comparing prices, I do buy gifts for myself or the people in my life just because I want to. While I am not a big spender, I live for experiences, and rarely stop to calculate the long-term consequences of impulse purchases. What’s more, I can’t help but tell myself that life is short and money will come back. Which is true to a certain extent, right?
So when a meticulous planner marries a spontaneous spender, love is not enough. At least not on its own. We had to learn how to talk about money without getting into a fight.
The Wage Gap Complicates Everything
There is a considerable wage gap between us. He earns much more than I do, and even though he never weaponizes that difference, it sits in the room every time money comes up.
When one partner earns significantly more, it is easy for resentment, insecurity, or guilt to sneak in.
These are conversations no one prepares you for. Who pays for what? What is fair when incomes are markedly unequal? How do you divide responsibility without turning love into a ledger? How do things work when one person (my husband) is neurotypical and can hold down a job, while their partner (me) is neurodivergent and cannot work full-time?
Let’s not forget that creatives like me get paid a lot less than those in technical fields, and on average, women all over the world are paid 20% less than men. Even though we have come a long way thanks to feminism, the gender pay gap is as omnipresent as ever.
And then there is professional envy, the kind you never think will happen in a healthy relationship. I am proud of him, yet there are moments when I wish my career had given me the kind of financial confidence he has. It does not mean I want him to dim his shine. It simply means I wish I could shine as brightly.
Learning to Speak the Same Financial Language
Our turning point was not a single conversation. It was simply the moment we stopped pretending these differences did not exist. We sat down and calmly talked about more than just numbers. We talked about what money meant to us emotionally.
To him, money represents safety and dignity. To me, it represents freedom and self-worth.
Once we understood that, everything fell into place. Instead of blaming each other for how we spend, we began to understand why we spend the way we do. Then, we created a system that works for both of us. It is not flawless, but it is ours.
What Our Money Management System Looks Like
1. We replaced money talks during conflict with a quick weekly check-in.
Short conversations every month or so prevent resentment from building up and leading to ugly fights. Since we don’t have a joint account, we make sure to speak with each other before making any big purchase.
We don’t spring unexpected expenses on each other. Of course, because life is unpredictable, surprise expenses cannot be completely avoided.
2. We made a budget that includes enjoyment.
Living with me, my partner realized that budgets must cover both fun obligations. Cutting joy never works long-term; it only leads to secret spending and subsequent guilt.
As a child-free couple, we have more breathing space in our budget as we don’t have to factor in the costs of raising a child.
3. We agreed on individual “no-questions-asked” spending limits.
This way, I get guilt-free spontaneity. We also ensure there is ample room for mistakes and empathy instead of punishment and judgment.
Being a DINK (Double Income No Kids) household means we have more disposable income than those with kids. At least in theory!
4. We divided financial responsibility based on strengths, not income.
He manages investments and insurance payments, while I keep track of payment due dates and settle whichever bills I can. The idea is to contribute whatever I can afford, rather than going strictly 50/50. Because, as Dave Willis said, relationships aren’t 50/50, they’re 100/100.
Thankfully, we don’t have to worry about rent as his mom, who lives with us, owns our house.
5. We stopped focusing on who earns more and started focusing on shared goals.
A question like “When will we be ready to move to our dream home?” hits different from “When will you earn more?”
I am working on pausing before making a purchase. He is working on loosening the reins. We meet in the middle, not because it is easier, but because it is fair.
What Talking About Money Really Teaches You
Money exposes the problems in a relationship. It brings out insecurities, buried wounds, and silent, even unreasonable expectations. It also forces you to confront the parts of yourself you would rather avoid.
Having tough financial conversations with my partner has taught me quite a few life lessons:
1. Love is not the absence of conflicts. It is the willingness to work through them.
2. Financial compatibility is built, not found.
3. You don’t have to agree on every big thing with your partner. You can agree to disagree.
4. Income does not determine your value in a relationship.
5. Emotional vulnerability is essential and has to be earned.
6. 6. Saving up for retirement is important, and so is living in the present moment. There has to be some semblance of a balance between these two opposing schools of thought.
We do not have everything figured out, and still argue when it comes to money.
When one person is doing well, and the other is struggling, it is tough to talk about finances. There are times when I feel jealous of his earning power, and sometimes, he freaks out over my purchases. However, we always choose to return to the conversation instead of running from it. And we try our best to keep it civil by avoiding name-calling and judgment.
Money is more than a means to survive in our capitalistic world. It is a complex mix of identity, childhood, trauma, pride, and dreams. Learning to handle it is one of the hardest and most intimate things we will ever do as a couple. And every time we get a little better at it, our relationship becomes a little stronger.
Love is a choice, and having tough financial conversations is one of the many ways we choose each other over and over again.
If There’s One Takeaway, Let It Be This
If tough financial conversations keep turning into arguments, try switching the question from “What did you spend on?” to “What does money mean to you?” Everything changes when you stop fighting and start trying to understand each other.
Initially, you will struggle, and that’s okay. After all, anything worth doing is worth doing badly.
Over time, it will be easier to talk about money with your significant other. Take it from me: even when one partner is a planner, and the other is impulsive, it is possible to have financial conversations without hurting each other.
At the end of the day, you do not need to become the same type of spender to be financially compatible with your partner. What you need is love, patience, empathy, communication, and a willingness to compromise.
