In a recent therapy session, my therapist and I discussed my chronic anxiety concerning my relationship. She assured me that feeling regularly anxious in relationships is common among young couples today. There is even a term for it—relationship anxiety—and it is responsible for ending many healthy relationships before their time. Therefore, if you value your connection with your partner, it’s crucial to reduce this anxiety as soon as possible.
Understanding Relationship Anxiety – Definition, Causes, and Signs
According to therapist and social worker Tatiana Rivera Cruz, “Relationship anxiety (RA) refers to persistent worry and nervousness in a romantic relationship. It also refers to recurrent fear, doubt, and insecurities about its future. The causes that provoke RA are previous relationship experiences, low self-esteem, a lack of self-confidence, insecurities about the relationship, attachment styles, or unresolved personal issues.”
Some of its common signs are as follows:
- Constant worry about the future of the relationship.
- Pervasive fear of abandonment or rejection from the partner.
- Overanalyzing interactions (words, gestures, and actions) and searching for hidden or alternative meanings.
- Excessive need for reassurance from the partner.
- Difficulty trusting the partner’s intentions or loyalty.
- Fear of emotional intimacy or getting too close emotionally.
- Feeling insecure or inadequate in the relationship.
- Doubting compatibility with the partner.
- Jealousy or possessiveness towards the partner.
- Experiencing physical symptoms such as a racing heart or stomach ache when thinking about the relationship.
If you think that everyone exhibits these signs from time to time, you are right. What indicates that they are signs of relationship anxiety? To paraphrase my therapist, individuals experiencing relationship anxiety will find that these signs occur frequently rather than on occasion. As a result, there is increased conflict, communication breakdown, and emotional distance between partners. Left unaddressed, they are likely to impact the quality of the relationship to such an extent that it will be impossible to mend.
Now that we have seen the kind of damage RA can do, let’s take a look at how to reduce it.
3 Practical Techniques to Reduce Relationship Anxiety
1. Identify its root cause and practice self-compassion.
Firstly, know that it’s normal to experience anxiety in your relationship from time to time. Therapist Liz Hughes, the founder of Mind Body Therapy, explains how Relationship Anxiety is different from regular anxiety.
Many people experience brief moments of anxiety as a normal part of being vulnerable in intimate relationships. However, RA can look like obsessive thoughts about the relationship not working out, intense fears of being rejected by their partner, or excessive worry about the well-being of the person they are dating.
Liz often sees two root causes of RA in her practice: anxious attachment style and trauma.
There are four primary types of attachment: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. According to attachment theory, we develop one of these four styles based on our attachment to caregivers at a young age. Our attachment style influences how we attach to romantic partners in adulthood. Those with an anxious attachment style likely did not have their needs consistently met by caregivers and became anxious in response. An anxious attachment style can lead to RA, which looks like an extreme fear of abandonment and feeling unworthy of being loved. RA can also occur as a response or coping mechanism to the trauma of being betrayed in a relationship. One is more likely to experience it if the relationship is abusive.
So, identify your cause of anxiety and then, practice self-compassion. If a friend were worried about being abandoned by their partner, what would you say to them? You’d probably be very gentle and kind, right? Try giving that same vibe to yourself.
2. Learn how to calm your mind.
You need to calm down when you experience signs of relationship anxiety. My therapist recommended that I practice mindful thinking whenever I feel overwhelmed with anxious thoughts about my relationship. If you want to practice mindful thinking, simply notice thoughts as they arise without getting caught up in them or judging their validity. Acknowledge them and let them pass without judgment.
Otherwise, do as Jenna Nielsen, a therapist specializing in treating adults with ADHD, anxiety, and relationship issues, says: practice a calming technique called boxed breathing. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, breathe out for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, and so on until you feel grounded. Boxed breathing will help bring you back to the present moment and decrease your distress.
3. Accept that no relationship is perfect.
Many of us have unrealistic expectations when it comes to romantic relationships. As unattainable as it sounds, who doesn’t want a perfect relationship? I’m not judging; I used to be idealistic too. Movies, music, and books shape our unrealistic expectations, leading us to believe that true love should be effortless, flawless, and without challenges. While it’s not our fault that we were fed these lies, we need to stop believing them. It’s important to accept that perfection is a fantasy – every relationship has ups and downs. Tatiana Rivera Cruz agrees.
The most important tip would be to accept that no relationship is perfect. However, we can find well-being and stability with a partner by learning healthy coping skills. Also, don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist when facing relationship challenges.
Although relationship anxiety is difficult to deal with, it is not impossible to manage. These tips significantly helped me reduce my anxiety, and I am sure they will help you as well. Good luck!