Why This Topic Means So Much to Me
Back in 2018, when I was in the thick of a brutal depressive episode, I mustered the courage to open up about my struggles. But instead of support, I was met with variations of “Just be positive” and “Everything happens for a reason.” At first, I tried to force myself into the “good vibes only” mindset everyone seemed to expect. But the more I repressed my true feelings, the worse I felt! Eventually, I realized that the pressure to appear happy was doing immense harm.
Time (and some overdue internet research) made me realize that this phenomenon is common and has a name: toxic positivity. It’s the idea that no matter what happens, we must always look on the bright side, suppressing so-called “negative” emotions like sadness, anger, or grief. But the truth is, genuine mental well-being isn’t about constant positivity—it’s about allowing ourselves to feel all emotional states, even the uncomfortable ones.
Toxic positivity invalidates real struggles, increases stress, and can worsen mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. Let’s take a look at why it’s so damaging and how we can encourage healthier emotional expression instead.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how painful or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive outlook. It’s the relentless push to “look on the bright side,” even when what someone needs instead is acknowledgment and emotional validation.
Of course, positivity can be helpful in many situations. But when positivity is forced at the expense of emotional authenticity, it stops being uplifting and starts being damaging. To know how forced positivity manifests, check out some commonly used phrases that embody it.
1. Good Vibes Only
Good vibes only is a popular and admittedly catchy phrase that you will find splashed across social media platforms, t-shirts, mugs, and posters. Popularity aside, it sucks because it suggests that negative emotional states are unwelcome and should be ignored.
2. Everything Happens for a Reason
While this line may offer comfort to some people, it is dismissive and can reflect a lack of empathy. Wouldn’t it be ruthless if you said this to the parent of a child who lost their life? Besides, everything does not happen for a reason; life is frequently random, unfair, and unkind.
3. Others Have It Worse
Ah, I hate this phrase because it is so damn insensitive! It compares suffering, something which should never be compared, and invalidates the listener’s struggles. This quote by Casey Rose explains why comparison of pain is a terrible practice.
Some more phrases that reek of toxic positivity are: “Be positive,” “Never give up,” “Happiness is a choice,” and “Just be grateful.” I think you get the idea. FYI, being grateful does not mean you deny your problems. Besides, an attitude of gratitude does not work for everyone.
Difference Between Healthy Positivity and Toxic Positivity
Healthy positivity acknowledges all emotions, including negative ones. On the other hand, toxic positivity ignores challenging emotions and pushes the idea that you should be upbeat irrespective of what life throws your way.
How Toxic Positivity Harms Mental Health
Forcing an ‘always be happy’ mentality in every situation has serious psychological consequences. Here are some of them.
1. Emotional Suppression Increases Stress
According to research, emotional suppression does a lot of harm. A study published in the International Journal of Behavioral Medicine found that people who routinely bottle up their feelings experience disruptions in their cortisol levels. Cortisol is the body’s primary stress hormone, so people who don’t talk about their challenges are more likely to be stressed than those who do.
Think about it: If you just lost your job and someone chirped, “Look on the bright side, now you can find something better!” you would probably feel dismissed, not hopeful. When people are discouraged from expressing frustration, sadness, or fear, they don’t stop feeling that way! Instead, stress builds up inside them, often leading to issues like burnout, emotional exhaustion, and even physical health conditions.
2. Invalidating Feelings Can Lead to Shame
When people are told to stay positive no matter what, they may feel guilty for not meeting this popular societal expectation. This can lead to shame, self-doubt, and emotional isolation—all of which make coping even harder. In tough times, people need emotional support, not emotional invalidation!
If someone struggling with depression hears, “Happiness is a choice,” they might blame themselves for their mental illness rather than seeking support. I have heard this line a couple of times, and believe me, it is unhelpful and it stings.
3. It Can Worsen Anxiety and Depression
People who regulate their negative emotions, rather than pushing them down, experience better psychological health over time. In my experience, ignoring emotions doesn’t make them disappear, it only makes them more intense. This quote by Sigmund Freud says it best.
Social media *thrives* on toxic positivity, with most folks uploading only happy, aesthetic content. Consequently, those who are struggling with XYZ issues feel pressured to appear happy online, leading to a vicious cycle of pretending that “everything is fine”. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, and loneliness. We are already in a loneliness epidemic and don’t need to contribute to it, do we?
4. It Hinders Personal Growth
Difficult emotions are unavoidable, but sometimes, they help us process pain, learn from challenges, and grow as individuals. Avoiding negative feelings through forced positivity prevents people from developing emotional resilience and problem-solving skills. To build resilience, the first step is to accept that you are struggling.
When a student who repeatedly fails an exam is told, “Don’t worry, be positive!”, it may sound like helpful, even comforting advice. But if this phrase is thoughtlessly repeated again and again, instead of taking time to reflect on what went wrong and how they can improve their grade, the student may never figure out why they failed. And then that student may give up on ever passing and become a dropout.
5. It Damages Relationships
Authentic relationships are built on emotional openness and empathy. But when people respond to genuine problems with forced optimism, take it from me: it creates an emotional disconnect. Over time, this can lead to frustration, lack of trust, and superficial connections.
For example, if you share that you are experiencing burnout with a friend and they reply, “At least you have a roof over your head,” instead of being empathetic, you will probably think twice about opening up to them again.
If Toxic Positivity is So Harmful, Why Is It So Common?
Here are a few key reasons:
- Cultural Conditioning
Many cultures equate positivity with strength and view the expression of negativity as a sign of weakness. - Social Media’s “Highlight Reel” Culture
Platforms like Instagram and TikTok showcase only the best moments of people’s lives, reinforcing unrealistic expectations of joy. Nobody is happy all the time! - Lack of Emotionally Intelligent Role Models and Education
Many people are unequipped to handle uncomfortable emotions. Kids don’t grow up seeing the adults in their lives addressing them, and since schools and colleges don’t educate them either, kids and their adult selves also default to emotional suppression. Such people are likely to use toxic positivity as an unhealthy coping mechanism. - Well-Intended but Misguided Support
Some folks believe they are being supportive by encouraging constant positivity. Sadly, they are unaware of its harmful effects.
How to Avoid Toxic Positivity and Promote Healthy Emotional Expression
Let’s take a look at some ways to promote healthy emotional expression.
1. Acknowledge All Emotions, Not Just the Easy To Handle Ones
Allow the people in your life to express all their feelings — joy, sadness, anger, excitement, and everything in between.
2. Validate Before Offering Advice
It is a natural impulse to help our loved ones by offering solutions in the form of advice. Override that urge. Sometimes, what a loved one most needs is to be heard and seen. Once they open their heart to you, validate that whatever they are going through is indeed challenging.
3. Encourage Healthy Coping Mechanisms
Help people process their pain and challenges constructively by seeking therapy, journaling, and engaging in non-capitalistic acts of self-care. Self-care has become so commodified and performative that many of us have forgotten its true meaning: doing the hard work to take care of ourselves instead of focusing on quick and trendy fixes like bath bombs and wellness retreats. But that’s a topic for another post.
4. Create Safe Spaces for Honest Conversations
Create an environment where people can openly share their feelings without the fear of judgment. Being authentic will promote better well-being as well as strengthen your relationships.
Conclusion
Constantly pushing positivity suppresses mental well-being, damages relationships, and can even worsen conditions like anxiety and depression.
True psychological well-being isn’t about being happy around the clock. It’s about embracing the full range of human emotions. Plus, during hard times, which is more handy in the long run: denial and fake cheerfulness or acceptance and healthy positivity?
So the next time someone opens up about their struggles, listen, acknowledge, and remind them: It’s okay not to be okay. Let’s be mindful of our words so that we can create a supportive, emotionally intelligent society.
If you are interested in learning more about toxic positivity, why not learn it from the brilliant therapist who coined the phrase? Her name is Whitney Goodman, and she has written all about it in her book Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy. To get a copy of her groundbreaking book from Amazon, click on the image below.
